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Crossroads DTS God's Perspective on Relationships notes from lectures by
Jesus relationship with the Father
John 17:22-23 (NASB)
22 The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that
they may be one, just as We are one;
23 I in them
and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may
know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me.
God can be made known to the world as we labor together
in unity. We are in relationship with God and with others, there are
many circles of relationships. With God let me not be an outer court
dweller but an inner court. I've got to enter into
relationships. I've got to speak truth in relationships. We may
think it's loving to withhold truth, but we need to speak the truth in love.
God is not in the business of reformation but in making all things new.
Galatians 2:20 (NASB) "I have been crucified with
Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the
life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB) Therefore if anyone is in
Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new
things have come.
Too often people live in rebellion or have been wounded
in rejection and then manifest self-pity, self-hatred, depression, and
negativity. We as believers are to represent God's nature and
character to others. My primary concern should be, what's the opinion
of God? We must take personal
responsibility and not blame others. We are to be committed to
humility, walking humbly with God. Whatever you are at your worst,
that is your level of maturity. Our private world and our public world
should match. Stop blaming others for your heart response.
Unity and oneness are emphasized in Jesus prayer in
John 17, "they might be one, as we are one." The way you relate
to God is the same way you relate to people. It may not be reluctance,
but not knowing how. The Church has mystified knowing God.
Find your voice in the context of the way God has
designed you. You don't need to pattern your response to someone else.
Joshua in Joshua 1:3, is told to be strong and
courageous. Get more courageous, get out of the fish bowl, into the
pond, the river, even the sea.
You have a built-in sense of the supreme value of love.
Only Christ can fill this desire. You can invest in heart, mind, soul,
and strength fully in God and not be disappointed. He should be our
first port of call. Holiness comes through humility. When we
love God first and above all, then our need for divine unchanging love is
met. Identity and destiny go
together. Satan is the relationship wrecker.
Romans 12:18 (NASB) If possible, so far as it
depends on you, be at peace with all men.
Don't let the sun go down on your wrath
Ephesians 4:26 (NASB) BE
ANGRY, AND yet
DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun
go down on your anger,
Righteousness is being rightly related to God and
others. The fear of the Lord is to keep His commandments, walk in His
ways, listen to His words, cling to Him, love, and serve Him.
Often our difficulties in relationships with others are
related to forbearance issues. (Forbearance is the act of forbearing
or being patient with others exercising tolerance and restraint in the face
of provocation.) If we don't get along (with other believers) we have
no voice for evangelism. We get oneness around Him, together we
identify the mind of Christ. Culture must never ever have a louder
voice than God.
There is no plan of God for me to reach spiritual
maturity alone. The emphasis of the New Testament is our
relationship with God. Belonging to
the body of Christ is not technical or theoretical it is real.
We reach our maturity as we belong to one another. Missionaries leave
the field because they can't get along with other missionaries. There
is a failure to exercise forgiveness and reconciliation. If you are in
an army, if you are separated from your unit, you should attempt to
communicate and rejoin you unit, while hiding in a safe place. You
cannot fight alone, even with the equipment of Ephesians 6.
The greatest quality of a leader is self-control.
Sometimes we make life difficult for leaders by picking up on non-issues.
A Christian witness could be called a withness,
the report of one who has been with God.
Relationships are not based on perfection and are not
to be conditional, "I will be your friend as long as you meet my needs."
Sin separates, sin divides
The challenge is to love even our enemies.
Relationship and unity are
demonstration based, we don't just talk about it. We should be able to
say, "come live with me, and you will see Jesus."
Hebrews 11:6 (NASB) And without faith it is impossible
to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He
is a rewarder of those who seek Him.
We have to get ourselves into a position of faith.
1 John 3:16 (NASB) We know love by this, that He laid
down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren
We need to lay down our lives for each other.
Philippians 2:3-5 (NASB)
3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with
humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;
4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but
also for the interests of others.
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ
No selfish ambition but having ambition for others.
An offense or imperfection in
another can produce in us a downward cycle:
Directed at others
A lack of confidence
Personal pain can't
distinguish how you got there
A lack of fellowship
A lack of love
A lack of unity
Start to blame
"I deserve better"
Move in pride
Four primary aspects of relationships:
Matthew 22:37-39 (NASB)
37 And He said to him, "
'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR
GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.'
[Quotation from Deuteronomy 6:5.]
38 "This is the great and foremost commandment.
second is like it,
'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS
YOURSELF.' [Quotation from Leviticus 19:9.]
Deuteronomy 6:5 (NASB) "You shall love the
LORD your God with all your
heart and with all your soul and with all your might.
You may not always have emotion toward loving God, but
always commitment. Speak out how good God is. To love God involves
every aspect of our lives. He must be the object of our affection.
He loves me with a love that is totally dependable. Love needs to be
expressed, many times in many ways.
Romans 12:9-21 (NASB)
love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.
10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference
to one another in honor;
11 not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving
12 rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to
contributing to the needs of the saints , practicing hospitality.
those who persecute you ; bless and do not curse.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
16 Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in
mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation.
Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight
of all men.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the
wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,"
says the Lord. [Quotation from Deuteronomy 32:35.]
"BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS
THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON
HIS HEAD." [Quotation from Proverbs 25:21.]
21 Do not be
overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Heap burning coals is an act of kindness for their
warmth, thus ministering to their needs in practical care. We are to
ministers of reconciliation. My job is representing Him, to reach out
in the opposite spirit of enemies or of those who offend.
2 Timothy 3:12 (NASB) Indeed, all who desire to live
godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.
1 John 4:19 (NASB) We love, because He first loved us.
John 15:12-17 (NASB)
"This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved
"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his
14 "You are My friends if you do what I command you.
longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is
doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from
My Father I have made known to you.
16 "You did not
choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear
fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the
Father in My name He may give to you.
17 "This I command you, that you love one another.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NASB)
is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does
not take into account a wrong suffered,
6 does not
rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7 bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Peter 4:8 (NASB) Above all, keep fervent in your love
for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.
Prov 10:12 (NASB) Hatred stirs up strife, But love
covers all transgressions.
Don't assess how much others are loving you, just love
Trust is essential to life, it is life giving.
Babies are born trusting. Characteristics of trustworthiness are
consistency and reliability. We ought not be sometimes grumpy or
moody. We give eye contact to one speaking, communicating value.
Trust is when I voluntarily make myself dependent on another person, for
some outcome, or for some thing. Trust is a choice. There is to
be no contingency plan in place. Trust strikes at the root of
independence. We are made to be risk takers, not thrill seekers.
Trust is both a crisis and a process. All relationships involve trust.
Marriage is not a contract but a covenant, to be loyal for the rest of my
days. Trust is an active commitment to fulfill the heavenly vision,
trusting the Father and one another. Be trustworthy, "let your yes be
yes and your no, be no" (Matt. 5:37). God doesn't want islands, He
wants us to be together, shoulder to shoulder. Trust depends
most on good character: loyalty, faithfulness, commitment, steadfastness,
Psalms 15:2(NASB) he who walks with integrity, and works
righteousness, and speaks truth in his heart.
People have to trust leaders. Leaders need to
trust those they lead. The greater responsibility rests with the
leader. They decide what is to be done, when, and by whom.
Leaders exercise power and have tremendous responsibility. They
generally have more access to information and knowledge. When a leader
fails, it is a breach of trust. When you trust a leader, you trust:
their judgment, their future pointing direction, their integrity, honesty,
and truthfulness. If the leader will admit mistakes, and lead back to
safety, the people will continue to follow. To make a mistake in
leadership is costly, but to not admit it is fatal. You begin to operate on
a false foundation. Trust a leader's perseverance, anyone can lead
when things are going well, but real character comes out in hardship.
The criteria for a leader are capability and character. Character is
the more important criteria. Character doesn't develop or change
suddenly. It takes three months to change and three months to
establish the changes, thus six months of DTS.
Honor and respect
First give honor to the Lord.
Romans 1:21 (NASB) For even though they knew God, they
did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their
speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
Give recognition of worth and value to others based on
the fact they are made in the image of God. The New Testament emphasis
is more on character than on spiritual gifts. Character valued in this
generation will inspire the next. Recognize and affirm effort and
intention as well as action. Lack of honor and respect often breeds
feelings of inferiority and insecurity. Recognize gifts and affirm
character. Pride and inferiority can keep us from expressing
affection. Speak out affirmation, don't keep it to yourself.
Discipleship is 10% correction and 90% affirmation. Encouragement
means to give courage.
Matthew 20:25-28 (NASB)
But Jesus called them to Himself and said, "You know that the rulers of the
Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over
"It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you
shall be your servant,
whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave;
28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to
serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
Serve without expectations and unconditionally.
Mark 9:35 (NASB) Sitting down, He called the twelve and
said* to them, "If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and
servant of all."
James 1:19 (NASB) This you know, my beloved brethren.
But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;
James 3:2-10 (NASB)
2 For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble
in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well.
3 Now if we put the bits into the horses' mouths so that they
will obey us, we direct their entire body as well.
4 Look at
the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are
still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot
So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of
great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!
6 And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the
tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and
sets on fire the course of our life , and is set on fire by hell .
7 For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and
creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race.
8 But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and
full of deadly poison.
9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse
men, who have been made in the likeness of God;
10 from the
same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought
not to be this way.
What God is saying to me
My job is representing Him, to reach out in the
opposite spirit of enemies or of those who offend.
I have been impressed the last few days to pray more
for the tearing down of spiritual strongholds in Thailand, to do some prayer
walking again when we return. There are centuries of Buddhism,
animism, and holidays that invite and allow the Enemy to blind the precious
Thai people to the gospel.
Again, I was reminded not to be independent, but
serving and growing together with other believers. I was reminded not to
take up again an offense already dealt with.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19 (NASB)
Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through
Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation,
namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not
counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word
God not only wants us to get along, and to love one
another but also help others to be reconciled.
Don't assess how much others are loving you, just love
My suggestions - speak on
marriage and family
There should be more teaching on marriage and family.
For more on this subject see my book,
Twelve Important Basics for Living and Growing as a Christian, "chapter
5 The Importance of Marriage and Family. " Paul gives us teaching on
marriage in Ephesians chapter 5.
Ephesians 5:22-33 (NASB)
be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the
husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church,
He Himself being the Savior of
24 But as the
church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their
husbands in everything.
One of the greatest needs that a man has,
is to be respected by his wife.
A man will be ready to deal with whatever problems or opposition with
courage and creativity if he has the respect of his wife.
But now before the husbands get real bossy with their wives, balance
that with the next instruction to love your wife in the same way as Christ
loves the people who make up the Church.
That’s what a woman needs, is to be loved by her husband.
love your wives, just as Christ also loved
the church and gave Himself up for her,
Our Christian marriages are to be a lived-out picture
before the world’s eyes of the love relationship between Christ and the
Church. All marital problems
stem out of the disobedience of these two rules.
A woman is to submit to her husband’s authority, to respect him.
A man is to love his wife, which makes her feel secure.
There are only two rules for a happy marriage; one for the husband,
one for the wife. But
marriages get in trouble because these
rules are broken, and when they are broken
they begin to compound.
When the husband fails to show his wife that kind of
love that Christ had for the church, and she begins to feel insecure, and,
"I don't know if he really loves me or not," she then feels the necessity of
beginning to protect herself, because, "I don't know if he is going to
protect me or not." She
begins to challenge the decisions that he makes. "Are you sure you are doing
the right thing?" But as
she begins to challenge the decisions that he makes, that upsets him because
that means he is not respected.
She begins to challenge his decision-making processes, he begins to feel
that he is being challenged and, "I must now show that I am boss by becoming
tough and hard and cold and unresponsive."
As he becomes tough and unresponsive, she gets all the more insecure,
so she challenges him all the more.
You know, "I don't know if he really loves me or not. I don't think
what he is planning to do is that smart.
If we lose everything he is probably going to walk out himself,
because I am not really assured that he really loves me," and so she is
challenging, but this challenging has a reverse
effect upon him, causing him to become
cold and aloof and, "I will show you I am boss."
The man begins to look at other women who might respect him,
course now the woman is really insecure.
So the marriage is torn apart.
It is so important that married couples follow the two rules. The
husband has to begin to show more love to his wife. He has to cause her to
really feel secure in that love.
He has got to express his love, let
her know that there is no one else and there will never be anyone else, that
she is it for life, till death do us part, and he has no intention or desire
for anybody else, she is it. As
she begins to feel that security, then she will be able to be freer to allow
him to do those things that he feels
that he ought to do or wants to do.
And you can get the thing going the other direction until it becomes
heaven on earth, as we are following now God's rules which
take into consideration the basic need
of the husband as a man, and the basic need
of the wife as a woman.
so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water
with the word,
that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot
or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his own wife loves himself;
for no one ever hated his
own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does
because we are members of
REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED
TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.
[Quotation from Genesis 2:24]
This mystery is
great; but I am speaking
with reference to Christ and the
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as
himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
We can see from that passage that two people become one,
there is to be submission and respect and we see that then forms a picture
for all to see of the relationship between Christ and the Church.
So the way we conduct ourselves in marriage is
This provides the guidelines for husbands and wives in a
good Christian family. The husband is required to love his wife as Christ
loved the church, and a wife should respect her husband and willingly submit
to his leadership in the family. The husband's leadership role should start
with spiritual matters and then flow to instructing and teaching both his
wife and their offspring scriptural values, leading the family into biblical
truth. Of course, the first requirement for the members of a good Christian
family is that they all be Christians, having a
true relationship with Jesus Christ as
their Lord and Savior. Fathers are instructed to bring up their children in
the training and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4 (NASB) Fathers, do not provoke your
children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of
A father is also to provide for his family.
If he does not, he “denies the faith
and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).
So, a man who makes no effort to
provide for his family cannot rightly call himself a Christian.
This does not mean that the wife
cannot assist in supporting the family. Proverbs
31 demonstrates that a godly wife may surely do that but providing for the
family is not primarily her responsibility; it is her husband’s.
The woman was
given to man to be her husband’s
helper and to bear children.
Genesis 2:18-20 (ESV)
18 Then the
Lord God said, "It is not good
for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."
Out of the ground the
Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky,
and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and
whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name.
20 The man gave names to all the
cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but
for Adam there was not found a helper
suitable for him.
Husband and wife are to remain faithful to one another
for a lifetime. This eliminates the
cultural view that divorce, living together without being married, and
same-sex marriage are acceptable in
God’s eyes. Sexuality expressed according to biblical standards is a
beautiful expression of love and commitment. Outside of marriage, it
is sin. God declares equality of worth
in that all people, men and women, are
created in God's image and likeness, and are therefore equally valuable in
His eyes. This does not mean, however, that men and women have
identical roles in life.
Women are more adept at nurturing and
caring for the young, while men are better equipped to provide for and
protect the family. Thus, they are
equal in status, but each has a different role to play.
Children are given two primary responsibilities in the
family: to obey their parents and to honor them.
Ephesians 6:1-3 (NASB)
obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
FATHER AND MOTHER (which
is the first commandment with a promise),
SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH
AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE
EARTH. [a quote of Exodus 20:12]
Obeying parents is the duty of children until
they reach adulthood, but we are to
honor our parents for a lifetime. God
promises His blessings on those who honor their parents.
When a husband, wife, and
children all fulfill their God-appointed roles in the family, when they have
all committed their lives to Christ and to His service, then peace and
harmony will reign in the home. But if we try to have a good Christian
family without Christ as Head, or without adhering to the biblical
principles the Lord has lovingly provided for us, we will fail.
1 Corinthians 7:2-6 (ESV)
2 But because
of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife
and each woman her own husband.
3 The husband
should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her
4 For the
wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.
Likewise the husband does not have
authority over his own body, but the
not deprive one another, except
perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to
prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you
because of your lack of self-control.
6 Now as a
concession, not a command, I say this.
Paul states that the sexual relationships within
marriage are proper and that the wife
should seek to satisfy the husband and the husband should
satisfy the wife. And
that you should not withhold from each other unless it is by mutual consent,
and then only in a specified period of time as you're giving yourselves to
fasting and praying, because the
temptations are too great.
The pressure is too
great on each other.
We should never as Christians marry a non-Christian.
2 Corinthians 6:14 (ESV) Do not be unequally yoked with
unbelievers. For what partnership has
righteousness with lawlessness? Or
what fellowship has light with
This is an excerpt from chapter 8 of my book
YWAM Discipleship copyright
© 2018 all rights reserved
Scripture quotations are from the New American Standard Bible®
Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977,
1995 by The Lockman Foundation Used by permission.
Chuck Smith, Through the
Bible C-2000 Series, Ephesians 5.
(Costa Mesa, CA: Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa, 1986.)
Smith, Through the Bible C-2000 Series, 1 Corinthians 7.